This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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