It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We don't watch enough power rangers
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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