Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize