Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
