Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
