Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
