do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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