I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
His nipple licking is glorious
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