You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Your dad touched me again.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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