I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
