I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
