I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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