somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
