and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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