I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
