Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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