first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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