I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
