ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
