Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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