sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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