I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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