Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
