Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
