make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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