Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
