just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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