I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize