So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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