Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
