I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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