Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
