so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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