everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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