Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
