If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
