I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have fence marks all over my body
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
