Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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