my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
