Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
