i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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