So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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