found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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