I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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