Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
