hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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