My Higher Power is John Stamos
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
