My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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