Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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