...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
