she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
