hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You may now shotgun with the bride
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
