Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
