I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
