She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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