I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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