i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
