We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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