I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't turn off my feet"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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